Its festive season Again! Given the skewed calendar of 2020 – January, February, Lockdown, December – It seemed like it would never come. The COVID-19 pandemic caused too much uncertainty. We cancelled schools, promotions, events, weddings; at some point I was sure we were going to cancel the sunrise! Regardless, we are here. Relatives and friends who have barely seen each other for months – months that have been spent indoors eating, zooming, shooing children away and undergoing tests on individual grit- will be meeting. It’s not easy. Change was happening everywhere especially on our bodies which have now accumulated what is popularly known as lock-down fat.
How could that not happen? Most of us were stuck in our houses that were overflowing with long life foods – long life milk, frozen meats and legumes, powdered stuff, anything with a shelf life of at least 30 days. At some point WHO warned us against consuming food that could not be thoroughly washed with soap and water which disqualified most vegetables like kales, cabbage and traditional vegetables. That was confusing: aren’t these fruits and vegetables supposed to be rich in the substances that promote good health?
The truth is that most of us tried. The first weeks were good and easy – even relaxing. We all started to adapt to the change in various ways. It was harvest time for most YouTube gym instructors (Let it be known that I did actually attempt to be a YouTube gym instructor too – It backfired!) The number of downloads for fat belly reduction workouts and home – no equipment workouts skyrocketed for the first few weeks. Like fate would have it, consistency became the barrier between a sexy you and the current you. Let’s face it, many us can barely keep up the consistency of swallowing saliva how can you be expected to be consistent with a workout routine without your favorite gym trainer breathing down your neck? You gave up! Now it’s consequences time. When you meet your relatives and friends this holiday season, they shall notice your lack of grit and discipline, and because they like you, fear you or hate you all together, and don’t want to be the reason you shall hate holidays moving forward, they are going to be using subtle words and phrases to tell you that you are fat this festive season. Here are 7 words and phrases to look out for
- Are you trying to put on weight? This is a complaint and observation packaged in nine words. It sounds like a question buts it’s not. It’s actually a complete statement. This is a phrase you will hear just after you have filled your plate with the juicy meats. It’s also a phrase that is used to say you have served all the delicious parts and left none for the observer. If this question comes your way this season, don’t fret! Take a breath, take your place at the table with your overflowing platter and go ahead and eat every single bit on that plate. Disappoint and shock the observer in the same breath. When you look at yourself in the mirror two days later, you shall begin to understand what the observer meant. For without a doubt there shall already be some fat showing.
- You have grown so big! This phrase is best interpreted based on the last time the observer saw you. If it was 20 years ago, it’s true you have grown. If it was 2 months ago, it means you are fat! Only a few true and confident friends and relatives will tell you that in the last two months you have become heavier because they are sure that is not likely to ruin their place in their lives
- Is that the dress your mother wore during my wedding? This is a question but mostly a jealous statement! Yes, I know, some of us will have to be caught dead wearing their mothers dress. But humor me on this one. There exist some dotting mothers who not only have managed to remain slim and fit into their 60’s (Six children later!) but also have impeccable taste in clothes that you cannot resist a hand down dress. Of course your mothers taste has been an object of obsession since she was married into that family 40 years ago. Your Aunties have gone through the jealousy cycle on your mothers outfit and decided that she wins. She has impeccable unbeatable taste! So they have made it a big deal to keep tabs on all her outfits especially during important occasions such as weddings and burials. So your Auntie can remember the dress that your mother wore to her wedding 20 years ago, and now she sees you in it? She must point it out hoping it shall embarrass you, and begin a new line of conversation amongst the women that usually ends with…people really come from far! The truth is that if the dress fits you as perfectly as they say, you are the same size your mother was 20 years ago. So are you fat?
- You are doing very well! This is the most ambiguous statement you shall hear this holiday season. Depending on the intonation it could be a statement or observation. Depending on the topic of conversation it could be sarcasm or someone turning green with jealousy. However if the statement is made immediately after someone remarks on your outfit, and combines the remark with hand gestures around a particular body part then it means you have become rounder!
- Goodness, I didn’t recognize you! Yes they did not. You know why? Because the human mind never forgets unusual or outstanding things. That’s why human beings refer to each other based on their outstanding features physically, socially or even mentally. As far as the physical goes, it is your body size that is most memorable. When that changes considerably, it becomes more challenging to recognize you, given the terrible eating habits and inactive lifestyles of our generation change happens more towards the broadening end. So when anyone tells you this Holiday they did not recognize you, please endeavor to understand what they actually mean.
- You have really changed: This is as straight forward as it sounds. You are no longer the same small, slim or trim person the observer knew. You have put on weight therefore you look different; sometimes the observer can swear you sound different. Unfortunately, this is a warning remark of the scrutiny that’s going to follow. The observer shall be trying to unearth the cause of change and as it always happens they shall find it in the amount of food you serve, in the number of helpings you go for during meals, in the number of sodas you drown and how much time you spend sitting. These and more behaviors will clearly show why you have changed and yes, they shall keep pointing out that you have changed. And shall also be giggling about your change and new size behind your back. Your role here is to clearly understand what “changed” means.
- It seems like there is a bun in the oven! This statement should ideally bring a blush on your face if it’s true! But when it’s not, it embarrasses both the observer and the observed. This will be the most common statement this season if you got married recently (which reminds me, avoid weddings during the last quarter of the year unless you hold it a week before the holiday season, the pressure is unbearable!) Of course your relatives especially your in-laws want to see and measure your worth, so they will make this statement to poke their nose into your business and also remind you that it’s about time you brought forth an offspring. If you hear this from older female relatives – namely Mother – In – Law- consider it a warning on her perceived misplacement of priorities on your part. Objectively speaking if anyone thinks there is a bun in the oven, and there isn’t, your stomach has definitely increased in size; and it’s time to do something about it!
It may not be an easy ride this holiday season but stay with it and disregard all things that make you unhappy and dampen the festive mood because who cares? You have the entire 2021 to get back to your sexy self! You have done it before, you shall do it again! For now focus on today, eat, enjoy, and make merry. Happy Holidays!